So Many Pillows the Mob Would Have a Field Day

Sleeping while pregnant is an unusual and painful endeavor. And while I’m well aware that I still have 16 more weeks to go, and will indeed become even larger and more uncomfortable, that doesn’t change the fact that this week, I have been stricken with sciatica on my lefthand side — which just so happened to be the only place that was comfortable to sleep on — and exquisite lower back pain.

I have seriously tried everything. I bought a body pillow and started wrapping my whole being around it, and that helped for a bit. I’d usually wake up on my back, so I started propping pillows behind me, too, so that when I roll in the middle of the night I’m kind of slanted and not really flat on anything. But then my back started feeling like a ton of bricks, and my hip started screaming at me, and my waist was like, seriously, like you haven’t done enough to me? So I got two pillows from the couch and kinda shoved them against my back and butt, and even that didn’t help.

I sought advice on Facebook, and everybody pretty much just said, “Sorry about your luck, p.s. it gets worse.”

Thanks.

Which compelled me to Google “pregnancy can’t get comfortable in bed” late Saturday night, and stumble upon this little gem.

Her first arrangement of a gajillion and two pillows was ridiculous and awesome. I look like an old man whose fallen asleep in his recliner during “60 Minutes,” and Mister Mister laughed his ass off when he saw me, but damn if it’s not the most comfortable sleep ever.

Unfortunately, when I actually get out of bed, my ass reads me the riot act because my sciatic nerve has been super compressed all night, and my bones or muscles or something deep in there is so sore I can’t walk. And I feel stupid about the fact that I’m 24 weeks and I already can’t walk, because… come on. I’ve got a ways to go. And I work, so as much as I’d love to, it’s not like I can just sit on my butt (or, as it were, not) and watch “Gossip Girl” on Netflix all day every day while I rest my sorry bones. I have to do such complicated things as walking all the way to the printer room, turning on the color printer, walking all the way back to my office, printing one piece of paper, walking back to the printer room, gathering my print and turning off the color printer, and walking all the way back to my office.

Ya’ll, my life is mad hard.

So, tell me. What sleeping position gained you the most satisfaction? As one of my Facebook friends noted, I need to lower my expectations of comfort, but how do I get as close as possible? And please don’t say, “Sleep in a recliner,” because we ain’t got one.

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