I’ve decided — somewhat prematurely — that buying a house is among the most foolish things we Americans crave. We haven’t had an experience nearly as complex or devastating as some homebuyers, yet I’m sitting here pulling my hair out because we can’t figure out when we’re actually closing until about 8,000 things are coordinated. Things that should have been coordinated weeks ago. I’m not known as the world’s most patient person… we’ll just put it that way.
So, in order to distract myself from the nausea-inducing uncertainty of purchasing a house in enough time to ensure we are not homeless, I have wisely decided to do a bit of window shopping on Ye Olde List of Craige. Because the smartest thing to do when you are not sure whether or when you will be in your new digs, is to shop for furnishings for said digs.
First up, this piece billed as a “nautical-type wall mirror with small drawer” going for the bargain basement price of thirty smackeroos.
I’m not sure I would have considered this my style had I seen it at, oh, a place that rhymes with Schmestoration Mardware for like, $300. But $30? Dude, this might be just the thing for “our” new entryway.
Then, we have a “very nice” oak dining table and chairs for $225.
OK, here’s the thing. That table is really fugly. And $225 is a lot of money for me. But those chairs are just fantastic. I can picture some kick-ass cushions on them, and sitting them on “our” new front porch, and dude, the mental picture looks awesome.
I’m so tempted by this next one…
I’ve seriously seen this thing listed for like, over a month. There must be something wrong with it. Does it not look as awesome in person? Is it because it’s just the headboard? It’s so fly, though, and only $50, and it would be perfect for the full-size bed that I have owned since 2002, and which, in all that time, has sat lonely and bare with no headboard.
For under $200, this one is kiiiiinda screamin’ my name.
This is a “high quality, antiqued painted finish … waterfall design, solid wood credenza, buffet or TV stand with storage.” Dovetail joints. Drawers. Cabinets. Dude… you belong in “our” dining room.
Finally, we’ve got these twinsies.
I can’t tell if these are awesome, or awful. I think it goes without saying that they would be subjected to a paint treatment. I doubt they’re real wood, despite the description that includes the word “wood.” The flowers on the front are kinda what stop me from driving out there right now. You would think I would also be horrified by the fake diary locks on the bottom of the door, but… no, that’s just what kind of awful taste I have.
Oh yeah, they’re $10. Like, for the pair.
This might be a ridiculous rhetorical question, but have you ever tried to calm your nerves by engaging in some self-destructive and poorly timed shopping? Do you also think that buying a house is the most ridiculous thing anybody on this earth could do? While you’re answering my questions, cross your fingers and toes for us. Whatever that means.