Wedding Doublespeak: Lost in Translation

In the midst of making our engagement photo aisle endcaps for the ceremony, I found myself spitting out a bit of a euphemism.

“The great thing about our venue being outside is that we really don’t need any flowers in the ceremony!”

And in my head, I translated it as,

“Thank God there’s some shrubbery where we’re getting married, because if we had to try to find a way to pay for ceremony floral decorations too, I might just throw in the towel.”

And it got me thinking. Much like there’s a secret code-speak in the real estate world (cozy = shoebox, quaint = walls are falling down), there seems to be a bit of a cipher going on in the wedding planning world, as well. And I’m not the only one who’s caught myself saying what I don’t mean – vendors do it, too.

So to help you newly blushing brides to be navigate the murky waters of wedding planning doublespeak, I present to you, the Wedding-to-Real-World Translation Guide.

Brides

  • “We’re really just looking around at this point, but I will definitely give you a call soon!” = “Your prices make me want to stab my eyes out, so we’re going to rethink this whole marrying-at-the-courthouse thing.”
  • “I’m a very simple girl!” = “Where are the cheap dresses, where every pearl and piece of glitter won’t cost me an extra $5?”
  • “It’s going to be a very small wedding.” = “You are so very much not invited.”
  • “Great!” This is the stock response to the question, “So… how’s everything coming with the wedding planning?” In reality, it means: “I HAVE NOT SLEPT IN 3 DAYS AND I WANT TO CUT MY HANDS OFF THEY HURT SO BAD FROM FOLDING PAPER, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.”
  • “Oh yeah! Totally!” Spoken when asked, “Are you getting excited?!” It means: “Holyshityou’reaskingmethatquestionbecausetheweddingislikeinTWOWEEKS.”

Vendors

  • “Our packages can be tailored to what you’re looking for – why don’t you just come on down and do a site visit?” = “We can do one of two things: Take a check for the price I’ve given you, or rent you a space in our café. Either way, come down here so you can fall in love with us and commit your first-born child just for the chance to take wedding photos anywhere near the property.”
  • “Thank you for your inquiry! A representative will be in touch within 2-5 business days.” = “You’ll never hear from us, because we’re so busy we really don’t need your money. Don’t call us: We’ll call you.”
  • “I am so sorry! I just don’t think that we can cut back on any of the flowers without affecting the look you’re going for.” = “I’m really curious as to why you hired a professional florist when your budget is more along the lines of a highway wildflower picking.”
  • “Absolutely! We can definitely do that/we do that all the time.” = “This is my first day. I’m not even sure we can definitely do weddings here.”

Grooms

  • “It looks great, babe!” = “I don’t even know what I’m looking at, babe!”
  • “Can I help with anything?” = “Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease don’t answer yes.”
  • “No! Nobody’s going to notice.” = “Notice what? What am I even looking at?”
  • “You’re fine!” = “Stop being such a crazy b**** or I’m going to nominate you for next season’s Bridezillas.”
  • “It’s not too late to rethink this whole courthouse thing” = “Let’s please get married at the courthouse.”

All joking aside, only two words you REALLY need to say, and mean, on the day of your wedding are, of course…

“More champagne.”

Do you find yourself engaging in wedding planning doublespeak? Have you been a victim of the vendor code?

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One thought on “Wedding Doublespeak: Lost in Translation

  1. Morgan says:

    HAhahahaha, this post is fabulous and made my morning. ❤ it!! And it's the truth!!

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