Nagging Doubts and Fears

So, I’m terrified I’ll be a bad wife.

I’m not normally in the habit of writing “I’m so worried” posts, though I have done a few, notably about my edginess in months past and my concerns that our family members won’t “get” our wedding. By and large, though, I’d rather write fun stuff that offers some experience or inspiration for fellow brides. But I also always appreciate a good emotional post that I can relate to, so here’s hoping others have felt this way, as well.

I haven’t exactly had a lot of experience in healthy relationships. I’d say there was exactly one of those in the 12 years I’ve been dating (I don’t count high school nonsense as dating years for myself personally), and even then, I was a completely selfish and sick person for the whole two-and-a-half years we were together. I was raised with great role models – my parents were together for over 30 years before my mom died in 2006 – but I couldn’t seem to find the magic formula for myself.

My time with Mr. Ladyfingers has been a streak-breaker ina lot of different ways. For one, I wasn’t planning our wedding and our kids’ names before the first date, as was typically my pattern. In fact, I hesitated to like him too much in those first few months just because I’d made so many bad decisions in the past. I guess I was sick of falling too fast for the wrong guy – but I also think my emotional shift was what made us work the way we did, when we did.

Mr. LF is the first guy I’ve ever considered marrying. He’s the first guy I even considered moving in with. He’s the first guy I wanted to own a dog with, and to buy big electronics with. In my past, I would have though, “We can’t split the TV – who would take it when we break up?” Now, that thought doesn’t even occur. I’ve never had the level of comfort with him I have with anyone else, but we have so much more than that, too.

But still, I spend plenty of time worrying that I won’t be good at this. I’m not the best at support – when Mr. LF is in a bad mood or in the dumps, I try really hard to pull him out, and then when I fail (because sometimes, you just need to spend a little time in the dumps!), I turn angry and petulant. In a fitting twist, I also turn angry and petulant when he fails to pull me out of my bad moods. What a tangled web I weave!

And then I think, “I focus too much on the things I do wrong.” I have not one iota of doubt that he’s the one for me, or about his abilities as a husband. It’s always my own tendencies that make me fret. But how about some things I actually do right in the relationship – or, more well put, the progress I’ve made? Last year was fairly tumultuous. I suffered from increasingly bad anxiety peppered with rage and a healthy dose of self-defeatist depressive thoughts. It really took a toll on our relationship, especially when I refused to consider psychiatric meds because of my weird history with them in the past. Once I finally let go of all that and sought out a great doctor who guided me down a path that was right for me, and since then I’ve evened out tremendously. Now, we laugh because when we do have a fight or a disagreement, I don’t storm out of the house. Hah, progress!

I have similar doubts about the kind of mother I’ll be. But I have very close friends who tell me they felt the same way I did, that the things I do and say and feel are as normal as they come, and that at least makes me not feel so alone. Deep down, I know I’ll be the best wife that I can be, and that nothing I could do will knock me off the path that’s intended for me, no matter how hard I try.

Sorry for the temporary buzz kill, ladies, but am I the only one who’s felt this way? And if not, how have you dealt with these strange and complex feelings of inadequacy and doubt?

Oh, and just in case this was too heavy for ya, here’s a dose of cute to send you away:

Personal photo of Puppy Ladyfingers, in a rare case of not being camera shy – how could I be worried with this in our lives?

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